It’s so easy to think that a therapist or child development specialist or pediatrician or even your own personal parent coach is a perfect parent. I remember thinking in those pre-baby years that parenting would
be a simple task - I mean, I had so much information and wasn’t it just about knowing what to do and then doing it?? This is where God’s sense of humor comes in. I have been very blessed to learn just what a craft and art parenting truly is from excellent teachers - my own children.
I think I love parenting more than I ever thought I would because I’m driven to learn more and understand my kids so that I can continue to strive to keep myself calm (not always attainable, I might add). Becky Bailey, author of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline reminds us to discipline ourselves first, then our children. That’s a mantra over here! Easier said then done there, Becky.
Today I enjoyed participating in a webinar (a workshop presentation on the computer with live audio and screen images) with Bonnie Harris, author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It. She really had some excellent points that I wanted to share with parents.
One of my “buttons” has to do with my 5.5 year old daughter refusing to pick up after herself after her creative projects have exploded all over her room or the living room. Bonnie pointed out that this would be my “button” after I admitted that I would never have refused a request like that from my own mom - so it always throws me emotionally when my own daughter looks me square in the eye and says, “No, I don’t want to.”
Bonnie reminded all of us on the call that if our child is behaving appropriately for his or her age, then they are actually doing fine, even if their behavior is frustrating; my daughter is having a problem, but rest assured that she isn’t a problem. It’s very appropriate for a 5.5 year old not to want to pick up. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have to, it just means that she isn’t behaving inappropriately for her age.
With that said, the first thing NOT to do is to take our child’s words personally. No mama behaves well if she is taking personal offense to her child’s words. When a child doesn’t think their parent “gets them” or if they do not feel like they are getting the attention they need from their parent, they will get louder and more dramatic and say things they don’t mean.
The bottom line is, if you’re reacting to your child, you’re not helping your child. So, rather than venting my frustration in an exasperated tone or throwing around threats “If you don’t clean up this mess, I’ll, I’ll…”
I can say - “Wow, you don’t like to be told what to do. I hear that. This is a pretty big mess and it needs to get cleaned up. Do you have some ideas about how that could happen?”
A lot of times my daughter is exhausted after a major project or a playdate with a friend and the clean up overwhelms her. I’m okay for the mess to sit for a bit so I can suggest that she do something else and we can both come back to it. Some other things we talked about today that I’ve tried in the past with success have been playing music while we get the job done, making it into a game, or deciding what fun thing we want to do next after we clean up.
Bonnie made it clear that children focus on whether we as parents are being fair and logical in our discipline approach or communication request. When we can validate our kids’ feelings and show compassion, a lot of times our kids will surprise us and cooperate! Should it be a surprise to us that when we behave badly so do our children and when we actually remain calm and validate their feelings and treat them like a fellow human being, that they cooperate?
As intentional moms, let’s support each other to discipline ourselves first by listening to why our child is defying our request; validate their feelings, and ask them to help come up with a solution. No more yelling, no more threats. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.
I’ll keep you posted on more great information about strategies for your parenting tool box and helpful discipline techniques that will turn your relationship with your kids into a garden rather than a battlefield.
